This has been a tough month--this August that began on the 2nd with a request that Hospice be brought iin to help with the care of my Aunt Anna. She had jsut returned from an emergency stay at RI Hospital ICU where her breathing difficulties and her sudden seizure activity signalled a real down turn. I did not realize how anxious it would make me to see her failing.
I guess that she is so associated with that whole parental generaton and the fact that she is the only one left makes me feel that her loss and changes are another way of losing my mother. She shared our lives together and she has had all those memories.
Now I am so influenced by her moods and changes. Every time I see her she is different and I simply don't know what to expect.. I guess that nothing stays the same and all change is unpredictable, but we think when we are younger that we can predict things and that we have some control over events. Wrong on both counts--but the illusion gives us confidence. Now I need to find a way to be confident that change will be for the best--as we age and weaken that confidence seems unrealistsic and just plain wrong.
I need some help with this.